


The Remedy

by emmykay



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Humor, Impotence, M/M, Sexual Humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-17
Updated: 2011-11-17
Packaged: 2017-10-26 05:06:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/279028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmykay/pseuds/emmykay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kakashi has come to need something from Iruka.  It's not what Iruka would have expected.  Warnings for language, crude jokes, and bad behavior.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Remedy

* * *

It had been a good day, as far as it went. Sunny, not too humid, not too hot. Uneventful. A D-rank mission gone well. Several potato fields had been picked clean, to the satisfaction of the client. His genin team hadn’t dissolved into total chaos. That was a very good day indeed. Now, all that was left to do was go to back through the gates of Konoha and deliver the report to the mission desk. Kakashi fought the urge to whistle.

And then he came upon it. IT. THE BILLBOARD.

Kakashi stared at the billboard in horror. His team hadn’t noticed and continued walking while he halted dead in his tracks.

On one half of the billboard was a picture of Kakashi holding his arm out and thumbs up, with the phrase, “Welcome to Fire Country!” printed at the bottom. The other half of the billboard pictured a pretty woman, wearing an apron and a smiling, satisfied look on her face. In her hands, behind her back, was a large box of a very well-known herbal supplement for men’s sexual dysfunction.

* * *

As Kakashi raced to the Hokage's rooms, he wondered what had happened with the rest of the picture from his side of the billboard, with his team and many of the other jounin? All of those guys were covered up, and spared the indignity of his position.

He burst into Tsunade’s office, his genins sprinting to keep up with him. “What the hell is going on with that billboard?”

“What billboard?” Tsunade asked, innocently.

Kakashi’s eye narrowed. She was totally playing him. The smirk dancing around her mouth proved it.

“You know what billboard. The one at the gates of the village. The innuendo it contains.”

“What innuendo?”

Kakashi drew himself up. He did not want to risk losing his cool, having worked for years to attain a certain reputation. Still, these times called for words. “The one that calls my virility into question. I am fully a man, Hokage-sama.”

“Is that all you’re worried about?” Tsunade waved away the worry. "Pfft. Forget about it."

"I'd like for it to be taken down."

“No, I am not taking it down.” She shook her head.

“When I agreed, agreed, along with a lot of other citizens of Konoha, to participate in your welcome billboard for Konoha, I didn’t think this would be the end result.”

“You’re being too sensitive, Kakashi. Just because there's a woman on there holding a box of herbal remedy. I promise you, it won't do a thing to your reputation. Everybody knows you’re gay."

“Tsunade-sama - that is not exactly my concern. It's more about my potential, and not about my orientation.“

“Look, Kakashi, we got paid a lot of money for that herbal supplement ad. I will not be pulling it. No one is worried about your manhood, except you. Just let it go.” She frowned in warning. "You better not do any damage to that billboard, it's an order."

Biting back a growl, Kakashi spun on his heel and headed back toward the gates. “Naruto - Sasuke - Sakura - we've got one more mission to complete today.”

* * *

After much work, the billboard displayed Kakashi holding his arms out and thumbs up, with the phrase, “We_c_me t_ Fire Count___ !” Where the pretty woman's head had been, it was now replaced by the over-sized face of a bored-looking pug. In her hands, behind her back, was a large box of a very well-known herbal supplement for men’s sexual dysfunction. Now, instead of looking like Kakashi had a little problem of a certain kind, now it looked like Kakashi had a whole other kind of problem. He wanted to pull his hair out and scream.

“Wow, Kakashi-sensei,” said Naruto, rather admiringly. “This billboard glue is really sticky. I’m going to have to think about how to use it in my next pranks. I wonder where you get it.”

Pranks...pranks...who would know about pranks? Kakashi wondered. Since he couldn’t get the poster off the billboard, maybe somebody else could. Who could possibly be of any help right now?

“Hey, Naruto!” Iruka called as he walked up. “You never came by the missions desk. Aren’t we supposed to go out for ramen tonight?”

“Can I, Kakashi-sensei?” pleaded Naruto.

“No!” ordered Kakashi. “You and I and the rest of the team will sit here until we figure something out.”

“What about?” Iruka asked, curious.

Kakashi gestured upwards. “That!”

Iruka took the billboard in without a change in his expression. “So?”

“Did you even see what was on that billboard?”

Iruka shrugged. “Yeah. This morning. And?”

“Do you know what the innuendo was?”

“That you’re straight?” Iruka rolled his eyes. “C’mon. Everybody knows you’re gay. That ad isn’t fooling anybody.”

“No!” Kakashi yelled. “It insinuates that I am not fully a man. I will have you know, Sensei, that _I am fully a man.”_ He did not know how things had gotten that bad. He desperately wanted to prove something to the cute brown-haired man, but what exactly it was seemed a bit muddled, as it was competing for attention amidst a host of other, more immediate concerns.

Iruka looked unimpressed. “It used to look like somebody sloppily laid a couple of posters on top of each other.” He looked up at the billboard, consideringly. “Now, of course, the innuendo is that you are fully a man into anthropomorphic dogs. And holistic medicine.”

Kakashi gripped Iruka’s chuunin vest. “I am not into dogs - not like that. Please, understand.”

“O-okay. I’m sure you’re not.” He flicked a glance toward Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura, all sadly covered with bits and pieces of torn poster and glue. “Right, kids? We don’t believe Kakashi-sensei is into apron-wearing, herbal remedy-giving dogs with people parts. Right?”

Naruto piped up, “Well, it looks like Pakkun, doesn’t it?”

Irritated, Iruka prompted, “Right, Sakura?”

Sakura tilted her head. “It really does. Just like Pakkun.”

“Right? Sasuke?”

Sasuke looked annoyed. Then he sighed, as if all the weight of the world depending on his answer because he was such a genius was a terrible, terrible burden. “Right, Iruka-sensei.”

“Thank you.” Iruka sighed and noted the setting sun. “You know what, Hatake-san?”

“Call me Kakashi.” Then he winced a little, as if realizing how awkward this was on top of everything else.

Iruka looked at Kakashi, and into his eye, measuring the level of sincerity in the offer. “Well, Kakashi-san, it’s getting late. I’m sure everybody’s hungry and tired. Why don’t we let the kids go home and we can figure this one out ourselves, okay?”

The genins perked up at the idea of their long day ending. Only Naruto objected. “What about my ramen, Iruka-sensei?”

“I’ll get you later. Can the kids go, Kakashi-san?”

At a loss, Kakashi nodded in assent.

The genins scattered.

Iruka looked up at the billboard, thoughtfully. “Getting up there is easy - just walk it. We can put something else up there -”

Kakashi interrupted, “There’s something funny about the billboard - it repels being covered up. I think it’s supposed to be a seal that prevents being spray-painted. The only thing we figured out that works is pulling off bits of old posters. But the glue is very strong. I think that’s also chakra-infused.”

“Hmm. Now, that billboard has been there for years, and there’s been a lot of posters on there for that “Welcome to Fire Country” campaign. But assuming they’re all chakra-infused -” Iruka thought out loud. “Hey - can you use your Sharingan eye in the dark?”

“Sure,” Kakashi said.

“Can you look at the layers of the billboard and see what else is on there?”

“Seeing underneath the underneath, eh?”

“Yes, exactly.”

Kakashi lifted his hitae-ate and focused. “Under Pakkun is an apple. That would be weird. And then there’s Gai - I do not want it to be Gai holding that herbal supplement in my direction, Iruka-sensei. Oh, and then there’s Jiraiya - that’s just no - no way. That’s wrong as hell.”

“Don’t blame you,” Iruka muttered.

“Mm. Then there’s you - “

Neither one mentioned anything, even though Kakashi noticed that Iruka pinkened a bit at the idea, and Iruka noticed that Kakashi noticed. The phrase _“fully a man”_ floated in the air, unspoken, but not unheard.

“This isn’t getting us very far. What’s under your end of the billboard?”

“Asuma, Kurenai, the Hokage Monument, Tsunade, the Academy - “Kakashi ticked off the names as they became clear.

Iruka began to smile, the kind of smile that made Kakashi very very glad that Iruka was on his side. “Got it,” he said. "You respect Tsunade, right?"

"Of course," Kakashi said. "She's our Hokage, and a Sannin, and very powerful."

"I don't just respect her. I actively fear her," Iruka said, cheerfully. "But still, this is going to be a terrible joke to play on her. We may have to hide out a while after. Can you do that?"

Kakashi nodded slowly. "I think so."

Iruka turned toward Kakashi, blushing. He rubbed his finger over his facial scar. “Hey, after this is over, if this works out right, you want to grab some dinner?”

“I’d be delighted,” Kakashi replied, cool composure restored. “If this works out.”

* * *

 

And in the morning, the sun rose over all of lovely welcoming Fire Country, including the busy village of Konoha. Iruka and Kakashi slept in, bundled under an enormous blanket in Iruka’s surprisingly spacious bed. Their evening and dinner had turned out spectacularly well. And Kakashi got to prove his point that he was indeed fully a man.

Among those who were not welcoming in the new day were Shizune, Tsunade’s words ringing in her ears. “I don’t care what that herbal company is paying us - that billboard is coming down right away!”

Others who were not happy included the sad genin teams who were tasked to take down and destroy every sticky inch of the billboard. This was the very same billboard that Tsunade had smashed with a fist as she had returned to the village, hung-over and empty-handed from losing a big-stakes poker match. From what Shizune could gather, it was all about innuendo. The billboard, when it was still upright, used to consist of something like a picture of Tsunade's head (her face holding a rather dyspeptic expression) on top of Kakashi’s body, arm out in a thumb’s up, a grinning Jiraiya in a kitchen apron holding an herbal remedy with the slogan, “We_____ t_ Fire C__nt___!”

**Author's Note:**

> It's just a joke, okay? A terrible, cracky joke. I'm sorry if this offends - as I didn't mean it to. (Sighs. Oh, crack. Why is it that you are so easy to write and so hard to get out of my head?)


End file.
